Trying

I'm trying to write something now, but my head is so full of stuff that I can't get it all out.  It's 10 days till the end of Ramadhan and although I'll be happy to be able to get a glass of water in this 33 degree heat, I am quite sad that Ramadhan is ending.  This is the month when I miss my family and friends more than ever, and this is the month when everyone makes an effort to have at least one evening together to break fast and talk, and get together.  I suppose, we did have a good break fast session at my place last week, but I still miss the people in KL.

That's life, I guess and I'm a pretty sentimental person.  Of course, you make new friends wherever you go, but the old ones, the ones who have been with you through thick and thin, you will always miss.  I miss the days of Shawal when I had a whole bunch of my non-Muslim friends in my house.  They would spend the last day of Ramadhan with my mom and I, and we'd make a family of girls.  We're all women now, but I know that my mom still thinks of all of these girls as her own daughters.  Kavita, Shang, Joanna, Pek Yen, Karen, Suganthi, Natasha, Dee... my mom loves you all still.  We've been friends forever and I know that every time one of you gets married, my mom gains a new son-in-law, and every time one of you gets a child, my mom gains a grand-child.  Of course, she hasn't met Shailan yet, and she's probably really excited to meet him too.  I miss those days when you guys were at my place and we'd prepare for Shawal.  Truth be told, those were among the best times of my life!

Last year, this year, I won't be celebrating Shawal.  It will just be a day when I won't be fasting anymore, but that is fine with me.  To me, Ramadhan has always been a month of great meaning and a month of great peace.  I had two years of very difficult Ramadhans where the only things I had to hold on to were my prayers, and of course, there are always men in the picture when I have difficult times, but I guess that is my fault.  I fall too fast and I fall too hard, but hopefully, I am learning to be more thoughtful.  When I had my palm read, I was told that I think with my mind and not my head.  I'm still trying to fill that prophecy. 

Life is a journey and being me, I have always chosen the more unconventional route.  I've taken the long way round to everything, and I guess that is why at 27, I'm still trying to find my way.  Like others, I make mistakes, but somehow, I don't regret all of them and I really hope that I've learned from them.  However, no matter how many mistakes I make, I still want to believe that people are good.  Someone called me a child because I thought he was a good person even when he was playing me, but if being trusting makes me a child, then I don't really want to grow up. 

What is there to believe in when you can't believe in people anymore? I would rather believe that people make bad judgements and that one day, they will come to their senses.  Am I naive for believing that?  Truth be told, how can someone live with themselves when they know that they've hurt another person?  The most basic things that make us more than animals is that we have a conscience.  We know right from wrong, and in the spur of the moment, we might do wrong, but later on, we will see our mistakes and strive to get it right.  I make mistakes.  Everyday. But I find the mistakes that keep me up at night are the ones where I have hurt someone else. 

Life is full of ups and downs, and I'm a strong believer in karma.  Those of you Muslims who think this is an un-Muslim idea can go back to the Muslim context of it, Qadha' and Qadr.  What goes around comes around, I suppose.  Bad days might mean good days later on, even though you're still waiting.  A time of turbulence might mean that peace is coming soon.  Just look in the context of love.  If you're madly in love, that's the love that will hurt you most.  A great high can lead to a great low.  Someone who makes you extremely happy has the power to hurt you extremely deeply.  What am I looking for now?  Something else.

I'm living my life on a day-to-day basis, hoping that the days will lead to something more.  I'm not making long term plans, but I'm planning for tomorrow.  I've let go of all hope and I want to submit, not completely, but in things that I know I can't control.  Studies, work... those are what you make out of them, but relationships depend on something beyond your control.  That is what I want to learn.  To let go and not hope too much, but to be able to just live it.  I'm a self-confessed control freak and I really need to break that control.  Hopefully, by the end of Ramadhan, I would have learned to do that. 

Comments

[Joanna]

I love you too.

[Natasha]

hey gal, I miss you and love you lots too! I was really touched by some of your comments in this blog. Hang in there gal! We all love you!